f***ing pissed.... with myself (note: vulgarities. quite obvious rite.)

came back from another round of SCD. morale is low, that is, mine.

never knew cleaning (ie correcting dance steps) could be so tedious and tough. maybe i've been through too many cleaning sessions. maybe i find them tiring. maybe i find them stupid. maybe i think it's just a waste of time, lets just have nathan to see us tmr and lets be done with it.

just realised that i'm actually the RDS of the entire dance. yep. can't help it, i dunno what i was doing for half the actions. this angle, that angle. too stiff, too relaxed. too nuah, too forceful.

i dun blame them. after all, when logic is still reigning, the fault boils down to my own self - i should have been more active, more flexible. should instead thank them and appreciate what they are doing instead of just feeling down. yet, some parts of my muscles, especially both gluteus maximii seem vaguely innervated. getting tired seems inevitable - just 3.5min of dance and i'm hyperventilating, my muscles ache, etc etc. somehow i feel like it seems possible, yet that sheer glimmer of hope appears and disappears so often.

whatever.

it seems that the easiest person to blame is not the one that is causing all the trouble, but yourself. who can you blame without starting a blame war but yourself. if you think about it, you could possibly avert the blame, unless you had no hand in doing so (e.g. like SAF, when someone blames u and its definitely not your fault, you just curse the officer who did that. or admit that it's not your fault and move on.)
but if u could avert that, then you have responsibility to accept blame.. that's the SAF logic.

whatever.

received a call from the smg people again. 5 missed calls. f**king pissed off with them. first they pangseh me, then they sms. "r u free to flim the table tennis match tomorrow at sheares hall in the morning? otherwise we'll have to do it on sunday." ok they did not use the words "last chance".

but it felt like "pls report to ________ under Section XX of the Enlistment Act in Full Battle Order and your No. 4 to blah. Draw rifle. Assemble at 0800 hours at parade square. (or else prepared to get charged.)"


That one, is LL if u kena. Nobody goes against the Enlistment Act.

this one, i feel like answering his call and screaming over the mike,

"hey u goddamn piece of ****, damn just ask me to go then i must go ar?? what happened to all the "support" i got during the shooting of chingay mtv huh?? a platoon of air ar?!?! camera i must find myself, tape i must find, stand i must also find. had to run up and down the whole freaking block. then summore expect me to know how to use the camera in like a "*ding* - you are saved" from god. then leave every single piece of shit to me and now u wan me to wake up extra early tomorrow so i can film some assholes from two halls playing table tennis and sacrifice my sleep. goddamn think i am very eng ar? then those other two freaking assholes from my team do wad?? do they share the $30 that i paid for the treat for the dancers?? i know the whole freaking idea is MY idea, so do i have to do it ALONE??" ccbknn.

like i freaking need the points for hall lidat. but yet, to say "I QUIT!!!" would be the most freaking choice i can ever make. damn. all down the drain.

i guess all this wraps up to my easy attitude and gulliblity and "never-say-no" attitude. like what choon han said, "yongqiang never says no to anything." i guess he's fucking right. damn that guy is aces when comes to spotting whats NOT written. even i admit it sometimes but i never REALLY admit it. i thought i was being kind, being friendly, helpful, maybe even just to "fill in the blank position".

but i know that now you must say NO sometimes. it's a personal right, not a priviledge. unless in army when you have all your rights as a citizen cancelled and revoked to that of a military person. sometimes u can't say no. fine. now, when someone offers you the option to say no, consider saying NO before saying "ok".

so that when something happens, you cannot blame yourself for not saying NO.