pissed off (note: some vulgarities.)

i feel like strangling the smg people. just received an sms telling me to report for filiming of IHG. dunno wtf is so important about IHG. damn. i went through IBG and hated every moment of it, the fake smiles, the late nights spent watching other people cheer. other peoples glory. what do i have to do with it? i dun care who or which block or hall got first, second, third, or who is who and whatever.

then if u dun go, the hall people just look at you with that damned look. get more damned looks, and you're damned in hall.

i kept thinking about my disability, why can't i even train for all those sports that i am supposed to cheer for, whereas other people can and are treated so much larger than life. why people treat me like shit because i can't run, cant play sports. and they dun have any freaking idea of what happened to me. like i dun exist. maybe i dun.

some fuckers i know in hall asked me if i wanted to join their sport. or club. and i said no. then they sorta left me out from their worlds. permanently. these days i meet them there's a 0-50% chance of saying hi on the streets.

god damn them.

i wonder whats so good about playing electones, which i spent nearly ten years and countless dollars to learn. u can't play anything on the piano, which is more prevalent anyway. people treat you like a perfomer, once the music is out, over, vanished from their ears, they give their appaluse and exit. there is no sweat, no tears, no blood involved and visible to the crowd.

so many people say playing music can attract crowds of females and that music can make them "lovestruck" with me. total rubbish i must say. there are better mp3 players out there. so far there isn't one love fool that has fallen prey yet.

back to the smg people. stupid smg people, seems like a call-up from the military to me, "CPL tan, please report to Mandai Hill Camp this saturday to film the Chief Of Army having tea." i'm starting to wonder whether treating the dance people on behalf of the smg (read previous entry) was worth it or not.

i'm starting to wonder if joining the smg or any particular hall activity was worth it. especially if u have ungrateful people expecting u to do this so that "things can go on and you can spare me a shit of solving another problem - you". so that "we can receive the Mast'ers or whoever shitter's 'heartfelt thanks' with a smile".

somehow, all the ideals that were with me when i decided to join hall have all deserted me, fading to reveal the true, ugly side. its like those ghost stories when u enter a nice victorian mansion and the nice owner treats you to a sumptous meal and a nice bed, then u wake up in the night to discover that you've been sleeping on a cobwebbed bed, vomit out cockroaches you've eaten just now, and that all the people in the freaking mansion are ghosts or vampires.

...and now, you have to escape from these spectres.