Different paths

Went to do medical checkup for my philippines trip today. A little dismayed as i came out of the doc's room: he would not clear me, reason being: i have (still) uncontrolled epilepsy.

Yep, despite being on drugs, the last attack was a few months ago... well all this while, while preparing for the trip I have been quite lucky to be fit-free, but the dangers of having an attack there in a foreign land where medical aid is uncertain are still present. All along i thought i could make it, that the doctor would, based on my personal consent, pass me.

He didn't and he gave ample reasoning: having an attack demands immediate medical attention from the people around. Should the attack last for >5 minutes or repeated attacks should happen, the brain tissues suffer hypoxia and might die. This condition is known as status epilepticus. Immediate medical attention is needed, if i'm not wrong, diazepam is given (rectal) to stop the seizures.

I never had status epilepticus before. I think. All my attacks were about <5 minutes, occuring once every time. That was according to my parents. But what about those when nobody was around? Not sure. Hence there was a possibility that i might have experienced it, and a further real possibility that i might experience it again. However slight the possibility, it is still present.

What he said really stopped me in my tracks. Previously i had not considered that this might happen, true the medication i took religiously everyday, and the dizziness and headaches were becoming routine. For about 7-8 months, since i entered university, I felt normal, if normal was the way to describe any other NUS student going about his business.

I do not go around considering myself a person with epilepsy, therefore i must have certain benefits, etc. It doesn't feel good when you think of yourself as a handicap, and a major one at that, having to have a caretaker "just in case". It doesn't feel good when others think of you as an invalid, a person that you must watch out for.

A burden, if that's the word. A liability.

I want to play, i want to study, i want to do everything a university student does cos that's my right as a university student. I just have a steeper mountain to climb than most of you. I've already lost part of this brain, i do not want to lose anything else such as my social life.

But... to think of it objectively... safety seems to override everything in this case. I had long expected it to come to this, and i do not regret for once the path that i have taken.

I guess i've gotten quite used to this kind of treatment, an alternative route that i must take away from the rest. Since sec 3 i've been physically exempted up to JC level, though i still occasionally take part in sports games. In the army everyone could dream of getting my medical status. Every nook and cranny of my life revolves around safety, of preventing that fit from ever coming back, for example: my future wife must be medically trained, (one of the reasons i stepped into pharmacy fac), no flashing lights, no uncontrollable loud sounds, less computer games, no alcohol and clubbing, no performances on stage, no strenous activities, no extreme sports, less water sports... the list goes on and on. Sometimes i am so sick of all the constrains around me, but other times i just shrug, accept it, and move on.

Try as i may, there are some things that i cannot deviate from the truth.