In solitude and in darkness

much of yesterday was spent travelling in a rented lorry around the island carrying donated stuff to the bhbh2 cause. morale was low cos we couldn't sell the fridge and the tv that we had hoped for. in the end we had to leave everything at one of the members' house, and come back and pack later.

went for xinyi's harmonica concert after that. it was good, especially the soloists. never knew the harmonica could be a multi-pitched instrument. but more likely i was scrutinising the percussion members. don't know that the harmonica would be such a complex instrument.

anyway left alone after that; declined to accompany edwin, mayi, xinyi, xiuting, wanqi, wing hang they all for supper. tired + dunno some of them well + i stink after the whole day = blind silent conversations.

walked all alone from UCC to the nearby 197 busstop in solitude and darkness. i dunno why these few days i've been so tired, not physically tired, but that "tiredness" which drains you of your willpower and forbids you from going on. maybe its the workload - just survived a punishing week.

i think i really need a break... not just time, but time with someone who can make me laugh, someone who can make me feel so good, someone that can make me forget the events of the past week and the incoming events of the next few weeks...

and when i look around me, i find that in the darkness and solitude there is no one else... except the vehicles that zoom past within the split-second of the eye along the AYE flashing their bright spotlights in the dark.

and when i reach the bus stop, i sit down and take turns to stare at the two couples smooching away and really wished i hadn't come to this bus stop. boarded the first bus that arrived and sped away.

reached home, msned. no one's really online, those who are online i don't really talk much with them anyway. so idled for about one to two hours watching some movie on channel 8 until about 11pm.

saw an old friend of mine online and eventually the conversation came to that of relationships. after explaning my situation in detail, the reply was: look for greener grass. hmm is it really so bad? seems so hopeless. was already thinking of giving up hope for the past few days since "there's no initial feeling at all"... maybe. think while everything is still under wraps, might as not well blow it up and we can still remain friends of a certain nature.

pretended that nothing ever happened. hopefully, it will go away somehow.

the thing is that i probably shouldn't be so actively looking for a gf. i have pondered the need... why do i need one when remaining single should seem fine? other than 'peer pressure'... which i often see in the form of Orchard road... that you see people younger than you getting their partners... that you see your friends all getting hitched and spending time with their other halves, its that you check your age clock and find out that you're already 21 and you should be actively looking for a girlfriend. and sometimes you might feel soooo lonely that calling upon guy friends to chat upon would be inappropriate, for example talking about very personal problems and matters. companionship.

with these factors, its not easy to "take things as it comes".

i quoted the "bus stop" analogy:

everyone waits at the bus stop
when you see other people getting on top of the bus you get a bit irritated.
"why doesn't my bus come?"
when there's very few people left you start to panic and think
"has my bus already left?"
then u wonder whether u should catch the next bus, any bus before you are left alone on the bus stop, or before no more comes.

my friend told me to walk. i don't wanna walk for the rest of my life, in solitude and in darkness.

***

then this friend of mine (who is attached) told me the results of getting on the bus:
"it means sacrifices, living with each other's differences, changing yourself, etc etc."

sounds like the induced-fit enzyme hypothesis theory.

("for many years scientists have thought about enzyme kinetics as a simple lock-and-fit hypothesis theory. then they discovered that the enzyme and substrate actually tried to fit together by changing their configurations at the active site to suit each other." - LSM.)

i guess i haven't really understood induced-fit hypothesis theory all along the past twenty years.

maybe i should really start looking for an active site for this substrate to fit in? or sit idle and wait for an enzyme to come along?